a voice lost and found

a little girl...a little girl born with a sweet, sensitive spirit...a little girl loved very much...a little girl born with a genetic makeup lending itself to depression and addiction...a little girl with a sense that she had to be very good all the time...

a little girl kidnapped...abused by a stranger...yet a little girl who told no one...

a little girl who learned very young that silence meant safety...obedience meant security...a little girl who lost her voice without even realizing it was gone...

many years later...now a grown woman with a family of her own...the buried memories of that day began to surface...her subconscious mind had never forgotten as was evident in so many areas of her life...

life as she knew it changed drastically...she slipped into deep depression in a new home in a new state with 4 young children and a new job at a new school...panic attacks led her to seek help...anxiety and depression became paralyzing...once hospitalized she remembered the incident bit by bit...

her response to depression was simply not eating...she had no appetite...could barely force food down...she lost weight quickly and in some strange way she liked it...it gave her a sense of power and control in her world which seemed to be rapidly spinning out of control...she also discovered it was a very effective replacement for using her voice...to disagree...to say no...to stand up for herself...

anorexia eventually become not only a part of who she was...in a sense it eventually became her identity...

a marriage already struggling now really struggled...sadly the marriage did not survive ending after 22 years...he remained very active in his kids' lives until he passed away very unexpectedly 4 years later...

each incident in her life reaffirmed what she already believed...bad things were happening to her and her children...she was a victim...undoubtedly bad things did happen...but what she did was use those bad things along with what she saw as her identity as an anorexic to dig herself a very deep and comfortable pit...

she was convinced she needed sympathy, attention, pity...much of this was unconscious at this point yet very real none the less...

what had begun years ago...a battle with depression...a battle with anorexia...became in essence a battle for survival...a battle to regain the lost voice of the little girl within...

along the way she had help from some of the best doctors, therapists and medications...and she had her faith...faith in God...faith that He loved her...faith that He would never leave her...yet she always managed to find her way back to the comfort of her eating disorder...

did that mean her faith was not strong enough? did that mean that God had broken His promise to never leave her? no...for He does not break His promises or remove His hand of blessing no matter what...

she had heard that something must be wrong with her faith...with her prayers...and part of her started to believe it...yet never does He say "trust better" "work harder" "do more" instead He pulls the weak...the broken one closer to His heart...His grace pours over the weary one as rain falls on the thirsty ground...

she knew she was loved by many...especially Jesus...
yet she struggled with anorexia...with depression...with insecurity...with self esteem...

6 weeks in a treatment center found by her own daughter became a foundation for healing...a stepping stone...she now knew that she was an addict...she now knew that her choices came with consequences...

slowly the paradigm began to shift in a powerful way as Jesus opened her eyes to how she had been living...how she had been reacting to life...to loss...to love...

she could now see that she had been living as a victim...and that she had left a huge wake of destruction in the path of her own pain...she had hurt those she loved most...especially her own children...
this moment was incredibly painful...yet necessary...indeed it was life changing...what for years she had been blind to was now painfully obvious...

His Spirit flowing through a loving friend walked her through a painful time of confessing and repenting...seeking forgiveness from those she had hurt and forgiving those who had hurt her...sadly she discovered that many more lie in the first category than in the second...

all of this led up to a heart able to accept that Jesus loved her for who she was...His bride...as this realization became her reality she was able to accept that love of Jesus in a new and whole and complete way...

because she could now wrap her heart around how much Jesus loved her she realized how much she loved Him in return...she could now love herself...seeing herself as He saw her...seeing her reflection in His eyes rather than what she saw in the mirror...

none of this happened overnight yet slowly her new identity became solidified in her heart and mind as His love permeated her very being allowing her to live in the story...a love story written by Jesus...and move with Him beyond the cross to a life of freedom...peace...joy...

she now stands as a woman recovered from anorexia...Jesus took her painful work...the tears...the revelations...wrapping them with her into His arms of love...and with His words and His touch on Good Friday of 2012 the chains were broken...the grip of anorexia which had held her captive was nailed to the cross on that Good Friday...

by His grace she is now free...free from anorexia...and although life on this side of heaven will always have trials and storms she is now able to embrace the truth...the promise...He is enough...no matter the circumstances...a sense of contentment wrapped in peace with splashes of shimmering joy dwells deep within her being...

living in His love light her voice is no longer silent.